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What Is Love?

Love is a complex feeling expressed in many ways—through words, actions, and behaviors. It reflects deep affection and care for another person. While love is essential in a relationship, on its own it isn’t always enough to sustain a partnership through life’s challenges.

Expression of Love

People show love differently: some express it through affection, thoughtful gestures, or verbal reassurance. Similarly, people feel loved in different ways—some value compliments and hugs, others appreciate acts like cooking or helping with chores.

This difference can sometimes cause a disconnect. For example, one partner might express love through a planned weekend getaway, while the other shows love by doing everyday tasks like laundry or cooking.

Why Differences Exist

These differences usually originate from experiences before the relationship, often starting in childhood:

• How you were raised
• How your parents showed love to you
• How your parents expressed love to each other
• Relationships with friends
• Past romantic relationships
• Individual personality traits

Love Mismatch

When how one partner expresses love doesn’t match how the other receives it, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise. One partner may feel unappreciated, while the other feels misunderstood.

For example: your husband buys an expensive necklace for your birthday. You don’t wear much jewelry and are worried about finances. You think, “I won’t wear this. That money could have gone to bills.” He sees your reaction and feels hurt, thinking “I can never make her happy.”

This is where emotional connection becomes more important than love alone.

Emotional Connection

Emotional connection is a deep bond rooted in trust, commitment, and friendship. It goes beyond love, where your partner’s wellbeing becomes a natural part of your daily thoughts and decisions.

Signs of Emotional Connection

It begins with knowing your partner’s world:

• Their worries and concerns
• Close friends and social circle
• Hopes and plans for the future
• Work life and daily stresses

Returning to the necklace example: if your husband understood your financial stress or your desire for a break from planning and cooking, he could have chosen a more meaningful, budget-friendly gift—or planned a special dinner. Both partners would feel loved and understood, preventing hurt feelings or resentment.

Open-Ended Questions

A key to lasting intimacy is staying connected to each other’s inner world—even when apart. Ask open-ended questions that encourage your partner to share their experiences, thoughts, and feelings:

• “Tell me about the most stressful part of your day today”
  instead of
• “How was your day?”

This builds trust, understanding, and emotional closeness.

Showing Appreciation

Regularly noticing and expressing gratitude for your partner’s positive actions strengthens the relationship. Human brains naturally focus on negatives (negativity bias), but actively sharing appreciation creates a positive feedback loop, increasing warmth and happiness between partners.

Bids for Connection

Dr. John Gottman calls “bids for connection” the fundamental unit of emotional communication. These are subtle attempts to get your partner’s attention—through words, gestures, or expressions. While easy for young children, adults often struggle to be this vulnerable. Recognizing and responding to these bids is key to nurturing emotional closeness.