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How to cope is one of the greatest psychological challenges individuals, couples, and families face during the fires in Los Angeles and in their aftermath. When disasters feel beyond belief, stress levels soar. A theory called Ambiguous Loss, developed by Pauline Boss, offers guidance for coping in profoundly uncertain situations. Her recommendations—used in the aftermath of the September 11 attacks and Hurricane Katrina, among other disasters—can be adapted for people affected by the fires in Los Angeles.
Ambiguous Loss
Dr. Boss, of the University of Minnesota, developed the theory of Ambiguous Loss to help people face uncertainty. One form of ambiguous loss occurs when losses are so overwhelming and unimaginable that they are difficult to define. Grief can become “frozen” because the scope of what has happened—and what may still happen—feels unclear.
People may struggle to identify exactly what they are grieving or how to begin moving forward. There are no templates to guide them because they have never witnessed a crisis of this magnitude. Those affected may alternate between acting as if the disaster has not happened (or minimizing it) and repeatedly re-experiencing the emotional trauma. Dr. Boss describes this pattern as chronic re-traumatization.
To live well in such overwhelming circumstances, individuals and families need to recognize that they are operating in a context where coping and moving forward feel unclear. They must focus on living day by day, connecting with others who understand their feelings, remaining open and creative in decision-making, restoring small pieces of normal life, and finding meaning and purpose despite tragedy.
Below are adapted recommendations to help people cope during extremely challenging times.
1. Label the Loss as Ambiguous or Uncertain
When discussing the crisis with family or friends, explicitly label the changes and losses as “uncertain” or “ambiguous.” No one could have imagined being in such a stressful situation.
Feeling confused, hopeless, disoriented, overwhelmed, or even “discombobulated” is normal. Crises of this nature are uniquely difficult because they are unprecedented.
Viewing the situation through this lens helps people understand why it feels so hard:
- Life has changed dramatically and remains in flux, especially regarding safety and survival.
- There are few straightforward answers to rapidly evolving problems.
- Achieving total control or mastery is unrealistic.
Recognizing these realities can help people:
- Face the crisis one day at a time.
- Temper the need to “fix” everything immediately.
- Be more flexible and compassionate with themselves.
2. Normalize Ambivalence
Ambivalence is common in unimaginable crises. When people confront what is happening, the crisis becomes painfully real. When they avoid it, they can temporarily pretend it isn’t happening.
Sharing these mixed feelings helps people begin accepting their “new normal.” When ambivalence is acknowledged openly, individuals feel less alone and more capable of engaging in honest, healthy dialogue.
3. Share Perspectives Respectfully
In extreme situations, people will interpret information differently and disagree about next steps. This is expected. The number of urgent questions can feel overwhelming, such as:
- Will our homes or communities survive?
- Should we evacuate?
- Where will we stay?
- How do we protect our health and meet basic needs?
- How do we manage daily stress and trauma?
In the weeks and months ahead, questions may shift toward recovery:
- Should we rebuild or relocate?
- What will life look like moving forward?
- How do we stay connected to community and support systems?
- How do we grieve losses we never imagined?
Even thinking about these questions can increase stress.
Couples, families, and friends cope best when they commit to listening and respecting one another’s perspectives rather than debating who is “right.” Openness creates psychological safety—a space where fears, needs, and concerns can be expressed. When people shut down or dismiss differing views, isolation increases, often intensifying anxiety and depression.
