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Accepting Influence in Relationships
Healthy relationships thrive when both partners can give and receive influence. Research by John Gottman and Jacqui Jacobson shows that men who accept influence from their female partners tend to have happier, more satisfying relationships. Interestingly, the more willing a partner is to accept influence, the more influence they actually have overall.
This principle isn’t just about men or women—it’s universal. Couples flourish when respectful influence flows both ways, and both partners feel that decisions and opinions are treated fairly.
What Does Accepting Influence Mean?
Accepting influence is not about compliance or giving in. It’s about:
- Being open to your partner’s ideas and perspectives
- Acknowledging their valid point of view
- Being willing to let your perspective be shaped by theirs
It communicates: “You are important, and your opinions matter to me—even if I don’t fully agree.”
Signs of Resisting Influence
Resisting influence can show up in subtle or obvious ways:
- Needing to always have your own way
- Asking for input but making the decision privately beforehand
- Reflexively saying “no” to maintain control
On the other end, some people feel undeserving of influence, perhaps due to upbringing or cultural messages, and avoid speaking up. Both extremes can create power struggles, resentment, and tension in a relationship.
How to Accept Influence
1. Check Yourself
Self-awareness helps you notice when you’re inadvertently shutting your partner down. Ask yourself: Am I truly open to their perspective?
2. Listen with Curiosity
Make an effort to understand your partner’s point of view fully, especially during disagreements. Feeling heard increases cooperation and mutual respect.
3. Remember the Research
The more influence you accept, the more influence you gain. Yielding occasionally strengthens the relationship rather than weakening your position.
4. Look for Ways to Say “Yes”
Even simple acknowledgments like “I see your point” can make a big difference. Ask yourself: Do I want to be right, or do I want to stay connected?
Tools to Measure and Improve Influence
Want to know how well you accept influence and how healthy your relationship really is?
- Love Quiz: A free tool to explore how well you know your partner and your patterns of influence.
- Gottman Relationship Adviser: Provides a detailed snapshot of your relationship satisfaction, identifies strengths and weaknesses, and offers personalized strategies for improvement.
Bottom Line:
Accepting influence is mutual, respectful, and powerful. Couples who practice it regularly enjoy stronger communication, less conflict, and a deeper sense of partnership. Being open to influence isn’t about losing—it’s about building a relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and respected.
