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Getting Your Needs Met: Understanding Your TTLC Needs
Getting your needs met — and satisfying those of your partner — is essential for a lasting, healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, many of us carry unmet needs from the past. Maybe we felt unwanted, ignored, or rejected. Perhaps affection, encouragement, guidance, or discipline were missing, inconsistent, or overwhelming. These experiences leave inner wounds and create cravings for certain kinds of loving input.
The TTLC Needs
In my book Love in 90 Days, I call these longings Tough or Tender Loving Care (TTLC) needs. Understanding them allows you to clearly focus on what you need from yourself and your partner.
TTLC needs fall into three categories:
- Nurturance – the care, love, and support that make you feel safe and valued.
- Guidance and Envisioning – encouragement, teaching, and support for your growth and potential.
- Limit Setting – gentle confrontation and guidance that helps you stay accountable and grow.
Everyone deserves nurturance, guidance, and limits for healthy personal development. Missing out on one or more of these can make building a lasting, loving relationship more challenging.
Identifying Your TTLC Needs
Recognizing your needs is the first step toward getting them met. The following journaling process helps you identify the six most important TTLC needs — two from each category.
Step 1: Nurturance
Look through this list and pick the two needs that resonate most right now.
- Chosen and wanted as the special one
- Made to feel safe
- Loved unconditionally
- Receiving hugs and physical affection
- Being understood
- Told I’m attractive
- Treated as desirable
- Supported when vulnerable
- Receiving acts of caretaking and service
- Treated with respect
- Being forgiven for mistakes
- Treated fairly
- Companionship and shared time together
- Getting attention
- Receiving what I truly need
- Being listened to
- Treated as if my wants and needs are important
Exercise: In your journal, write:
“My top two Nurturance needs are…”
Step 2: Guidance and Envisioning
Pick your top two needs for encouragement, guidance, and support in growth.
- Commitment for a shared future
- Encouragement to live your dreams
- Help exploring your place in the world
- Recognition for your accomplishments
- Belief in your unique potential and talents
- Encouragement to be authentic
- Encouraged to play, find joy, and bliss
- Being taught, guided, or advised
- Thoughtful or symbolic gifts
- Validation of your ideal self
Exercise: In your journal, write:
“My top two Guidance and Envisioning needs are…”
Step 3: Limit Setting for Personal Growth
Pick your top two needs for constructive limits and guidance.
- A “swift kick in the butt” for motivation
- Being confronted when out of line
- Constructive limits on behavior
- Reasonable consequences for destructive or abusive behavior
- Help making reparations for past mistakes
Exercise: In your journal, write:
“My top two Limit Setting needs are…”
Total Needs
You should now have six TTLC needs — two from each category. While you may feel that nurturance dominates your list, guidance and limits are equally important for growth and healthy relationships. Ask friends or your partner if you’re unsure — others often notice needs you may overlook.
Sharing Your Needs With Your Partner
Once you’ve identified your six TTLC needs, choose an appropriate moment this week to discuss them with your partner:
- Speak from a place of love and vulnerability. Imagine talking about a core, deserving version of yourself.
- Describe how these needs developed, what it would feel like to have them met, and what specific actions would be meaningful.
- Invite your partner to share their own TTLC needs in the same way.
This mutual exchange builds understanding, emotional intimacy, and a stronger foundation for love.
