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Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships?
Maybe you’ve met a few great men, but suddenly, that gut feeling hits: He’s going to hurt me.
Even as you insist, This guy’s different, and vow, No, I’m going to make this work, you may still end up back at the tissue box and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
Sound familiar?
This is exactly what happens when you unknowingly sabotage your own relationships.
As Edna St. Vincent Millay said:
“It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another—it’s one damn thing over and over.”
That perfectly describes what I call Deadly Dating Patterns: unconscious habits that push men away, even when you desperately want love.
The good news? Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking free. Here are three of the most common self-sabotaging patterns that can kill a relationship (adapted from my book Love in 90 Days).
Pattern #1: THE FLAME-OUT
One of the deadliest patterns. You meet a guy, sparks fly, and everything seems perfect. He says all the right things. You think, He’s different; he’s the One.
You jump into intense, passionate sex. You talk for hours. He writes you short love poems, showers you with attention, and it feels like you’re floating on cloud nine.
And then… kaput. Finito. Nada.
You sit there alone, wondering why he vanished — making excuses for why his texts, emails, or calls never come.
Ginger, 28, an artist, recalls:
“Justin seemed almost the opposite of my ex — sensitive, expressive, very talkative. We spent five hours on the phone the first time we talked. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I imagined sunsets and beach weddings… and then he disappeared into the dating Nether-worlds, never to be heard from again.”
Pattern #2: I’LL MAKE YOU LOVE ME
You’re drawn to the challenge of “winning over” a guy who has potential. You work overtime to get him: exotic dinners, surprise tickets, endless attention.
But in the process, you’re not being yourself. Your real desires and needs are hidden. You try to fit an image of what you think he wants. You’re his love-slave, chef, therapist, and savior — but not a real, authentic woman.
All you want is for him to stay. Ironically, this over-giving often pushes him away — maybe even into the arms of someone who matches his needs more naturally.
Sheila, 33, a nurse, shared:
“In every long-term relationship, I lost myself — my friends, my identity. I wanted to love this person, but somehow, being authentic was impossible. Each relationship ended because we were fundamentally different, and I felt completely baffled by it.”
Key Takeaway
These patterns aren’t about being “bad” at relationships — they’re unconscious behaviors we develop to try to protect ourselves or get love.
Once you recognize your Deadly Dating Patterns, you can start making conscious choices that stop self-sabotage and open the door to real, lasting love.
