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My 30-Year Quest for Consummate Love
Like a modern-day crusader, I’ve dedicated over 30 years of my life to uncovering the secrets of consummate love. With a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, I quickly realized that even “successful” couples often leave hidden clues about what makes love last.
So I embarked on a personal journey to demystify the elusive dynamics of real, lasting, passionate love.
I studied happy couples (they’re rare, but I found them), apprenticed with mentors, psychologists, and self-help experts, and distilled the research and practice into four key actionable steps that truly sustain love.
These are the same practices my husband, Sam, and I use to navigate the challenges of family, work, setbacks, and life’s inevitable slings and arrows — and we’ve also used them to help thousands of other couples cultivate lasting, passionate love.
What Is Consummate Love?
Psychologist Robert Sternberg coined the term consummate love to describe relationships that include intimacy, passion, and commitment — all growing over time rather than fading.
The big question: how do we cultivate these elements in our own relationships? How do we take practical action to make them thrive?
I’ve boiled it down to four essential practices:
- Spending Time Alone as a Couple
- Holding Listening Sessions
- Planning for Sex
- Committing to and Actively Promoting Each Other’s Growth
Action 1: Spending Time Alone Builds Intimacy
Research shows that couples with the highest levels of intimacy spend the most uninterrupted, quality time alone together. That means:
- No kids
- No friends
- No family
- No endless texts or digital distractions
Early in our marriage, Sam and I were juggling private practices, a therapy center, and a post-graduate training institute. Weekdays left us exhausted, weekends were consumed by errands, kids’ activities, and playdates — leaving almost no time for us.
How We Improved Our Intimacy
We set aside sacred Alone Time twice a week — once during the day, once at night. Babysitters were hired and backup plans made. These moments became non-negotiable. Over the years, this consistent time alone has been the bedrock of our friendship and intimacy.
Action 2: Holding Listening Sessions
Communication is the cornerstone of intimacy. But listening — truly listening — is an art.
When Sam and I first met as psych grad students, we were young, competitive, and convinced we knew everything. Listening was not our strength. We drifted apart because we didn’t understand each other’s inner worlds.
Our Listening Practice
We created formal Ten-Minute Listening Sessions every other day:
- One person speaks freely about anything on their mind.
- The other listens without interrupting, judging, or responding.
- The session is timed and sacred.
- Whatever is said cannot be used in an argument later.
This practice helped us understand each other deeply, beyond assumptions or mind-reading. Even today, we use listening sessions to reconnect and learn about each other’s evolving inner world.
Key Takeaway:
- Alone Time strengthens intimacy
- Listening with full attention deepens understanding
- Together, they create the foundation for lasting passion and commitment
